“Beside the Dying Fire”

If Season 2 of “The Walking Dead” has taught me anything it is this: Avoid Rick, Lori and Carl Grimes in a zombie apocalypse BECAUSE THEY ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE AND WILL GET YOU KILLED!

It begins with zombies in the city suddenly attracted to a helicopter and shuffling off in pursuit. This supposedly creates a wave of hundreds of zombies that flow from the city into the country and straight towards Hershel’s farm. Since a helicopter can do about 150 MPH, this is a little silly but what hasn’t been in this disaster of a second season? So we watch the zombie tsunami breach the fence on Hershel’s land and flow steadily onto the farm.

They are startled and attracted to Rick and Carl shooting Shane dead, twice. The mob then turns toward them in pursuit. Rick and Carl carefully pick their way through the mob and try to get back to the farm house. Wait, what? Oh, these are the specially chosen, slow, stupid and unmotivated zombies that TWD conveniently use when it needs characters to survive.

During this, sassy Carl wants the truth about how Shane died when the horde come upon them. They barricade themselves in the barn. At the farm, everyone can see the wave of zombies coming and plans for bug out are being frantically discussed. Hershel insists he’ll fight to the death but Lori can’t find Carl and now won’t leave without him. (BLEEP)! Are you (BLEEP)ing kidding me Lori? You can’t keep your (BLEEP)ing eyes on your (BLEEP)ing kid for two (BLEEP)ing seconds? You (BLEEP)ing suck as a mom!

Rick and Carl have a moment before Rick sets the barn on fire and kills dozens of them. Gee. Fire works on zombies. Who knew? Oh wait, EVERYBODY (BLEEP)ING DOES!!! Except these geniuses. If ever there was an argument for Natural Selection, these (BLEEP)ing people are it. The Farm team saddle up and play shotgun zombie polo while Jimmy (Who? Exactly.) rushes over in the motorhome to rescue Rick and Carl. He is promptly eaten for his efforts.

Meanwhile, Lori puts everyone in danger holding out for Carl and Patricia (Who? Oh, never mind.) gets chewed up on her account. The Grimes family really sucks. Hershel has an Ever Loaded shotgun and everybody can make headshots. Seriously, nobody misses and zombie heads rock and roll from bullet after bullet. It all breaks down and the Farm team scatters in the night. Maggie and Glen pair up while T-Dog and Beth (Who? Coma Girl. Oh.) grab Lori. Daryl scoops up Carol on his hog and Andrea is seemingly left behind. Rick and Carl finally collect Hershel and now Rick is all worried about where Lori is. Have I mentioned what selfish pricks the Grimes family are?

They end up on the road where Rick lost Sophia when Carl goes off on Rick because Lori isn’t at the rendevous. He throws a tantrum and I really wish they would have let him die. I hate Carl. Finally, everybody gets to the meet up but Andrea is still running in the morning and still an amazing crack shot. But nobody thinks to go looking for her and they decide to head East, per T-Dog’s suggestion.

On the way, Rick’s Suburban is running out of gas and he announces a plan to stay where they are and get gas in the morning. Because he’s been so good at making plans so far. He also reveals what Dr. Jenner told him in Atlanta. They are all carriers. When confronted by Glen how bullshit his reason is for keeping that to himself, Rick gets all self righteous and Lori goes to hug it out.

Then he tells her he killed Shane and really meant to. Lori doesn’t take it like he thought she would and Carl bawls like a baby when he finds out. Rick mounts his moral high horse with a complete lack of credibility and insists his hands are clean. Let’s see: He failed Sophia, got Carl shot which led to Otis getting killed and Shane sliding towards the Dark Side. He murdered Dave and Tony but put everyone at risk for Randall, who Shane eventually killed then murdered Shane in self defense to hear him tell it. He and Carl are directly responsible for Jimmy getting killed and Patricia died because Lori is a stupid cow. Plenty of blood on the Grimes family is you ask me.

Andrea is a zombie killing machine but out of ammo when a ninja with two zombies on leashes saves her ass. This is Michonne from the comics and my only hope for Season 3 not to suck as bad as Season 2. Rick finishes up by challenging the survivors to try it on their own if they don’t like it. If they stay “This isn’t a democracy anymore.” Rick is an asshole and I really want him to get shot in the face, continuity be damned. It ends with a long shot of a prison just over the hill from where they are camped and a hint that things might get interesting.

Maybe by the time Season 3 starts in October, I’ll have forgiven Season 2 enough to look in. Or maybe TWD is just like an accident you can’t drive by and not look at. We’ll see in October.

GRADE: D-



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